I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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