Swine flu. Run for my life!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
