Your dad touched me again.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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