If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
