I wish my penis had an off switch
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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