I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
