i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
