Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
3 2 1 whiskey
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
