Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
