Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
even my farts smell like vagina
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
