woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
