The maid of honor just puked.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
