You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
