Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
