idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
They took my balls.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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