I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
