whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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