Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
