OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
