oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
