He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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