where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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