someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
