I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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