When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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