Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
