I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
