Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
