So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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