she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
