I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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