So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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