my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I enjoy the company of your penis
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
