one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
