she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
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