We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
