I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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