Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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