The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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