She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i've created a new STD.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Shame is for Republicans.
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