Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
