Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
