I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
