Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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