I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
