Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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