textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
