i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
