oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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