At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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