I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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